The Big, Weird Xmen Musical
by Princess-Selenity
Summary: Lots of weird-ness thanks to the pain meds I'm on!
1. Send In The Clones

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own insanity. This chapter includes drunken-mayhem and general out-of-character ness. Deal with it and don't  
sue me, I have nothing. ~Curtains open, Magneto comes out followed by Joseph. Both guys have beers  
in their hands, leaving a trail of beer cans from where they entered. ~ *Magneto: Man, that was the best night of my life! And who woulda thunk it,  
I spent it with me.  
  
*Joseph: Dude, I think you've had a few too many or have I? Does it make any difference? I'm confused. Hey, you know what'd be cool, Mags? A song.  
Let's sing, PLEASE?!  
  
*Magneto: Well, I don't know. ~looks around~ Alright, but tell the hippos  
not to watch.  
  
~ Tune from "I Think I'm A Clone Now" cuts in~  
  
*Magneto: Isn't it strange? Feels like I'm lookin' in a mirror!  
  
*Joseph: What would people say? If only they knew that I was part of some  
geneticists plan!  
Born to be a carbon copy man! There in a petri dish late one night  
  
they took a donor's body cell and fertilized a human egg and so I say  
  
*Both: I think I'm a clone now There's always two of me just a-hangin'  
around  
I think I'm a clone now 'cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down  
  
*Magneto: Look at the way we go out walking close together  
  
I guess you could say I'm really beside myself  
  
*Joseph: I still remember how it began They produced a carbon copy man  
  
Born in a science lab late one night  
  
Without a mother or a father, just a test tube and a womb with a view  
  
*Both: I think I'm a clone now There's always two of me just a-hangin'  
around  
I think I'm a clone now 'cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down  
  
*Both: I think I'm a clone now And I can stay at home while I'm out of town  
  
I think I'm a clone now 'cause every pair of genes is a hand-me-down  
  
*Joseph: Signing autographs for my fans, Come and meet the carbon copy man  
  
*Magneto: Livin' in stereo, it's all right, well I can be my own best  
friend and I can send myself for pizza so I say  
  
*Both: I think I'm a clone now Another one of me's always hangin' around  
  
I think I'm a clone now 'cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down  
  
*Joseph: I think I'm a clone now I've been on Oprah Winfrey I'm world-  
renowned  
  
*Both: I think I'm a clone now And every pair of genes is a hand-me-down  
  
I think I'm a clone now That's my genetic twin always hangin' around  
  
I think I'm a clone now 'cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down  
  
I think I'm a clone now  
  
~Music fades away. Joseph runs for the bathroom. Magneto stands there shaking his head, until he looks down, not now noticing the wet spot on his  
pants~  
  
Magneto: uh, whoops! ~Runs away~  
  
Authors Note: So, what did you think? Please review. I wrote this when  
hopped up on pain medication for my neck, so if it's creepy, then don't  
blame me. Blame pain medicines! 


	2. A Complicated Song Part One

Disclaimer: Still with me, people? Well, I don't own anything except my psychotic ness but I am happy. I got an A- on my Theatre final! Woo! In  
response to reviews, Scott and Logan eh? Well, I just plain don't like Scott very much, but I do have a song for him! Logan's in this chapter a  
bit and has another one coming anyway, so, yeah. I promised that this chapter would be more story, less song, so here it is! Enjoy! A Complicated  
Song Part One! ~Jessica~  
  
Saber tooth sighed, walking into the bathroom while carrying a cordless phone. He'd had a few stomach problems lately thanks to a certain mutant rival. Logan had pretended to be nice to poor Victor, but had a plan up his  
sleeve the whole time, to make him suffer for well, being! Saber tooth dialed the phone, and waited a while as it rang. Scott answered, "Hello?  
Xavier Institute."  
"Yeah, Summers! Let me speak t'Wolverine. NOW!" Scott frowned a bit,  
pulling the phone away from his ear. "Yo, Logan! It's Creed. He sounds pretty mad, what did you do?" Logan grinned, avoiding the question. "Okay Slim, keep yer pants on and give me the phone. It's my business." He took the phone. "So, My little revenge worked, did it fur ball?" He received a roar in reply, and was quite startled when Saber tooth burst out into song.  
  
"Pizza party at your house  
  
I went just to check it out  
  
nineteen extra larges  
  
what a shame  
  
No one came"  
  
"Uh, Creed, are you feelin' okay? I haven't known you to sing. Kill, yes, but not sing. Wow, maybe that lil' prank was too much for ya." Logan was  
already a little afraid, and it takes a LOT to scare this dude!  
  
"Just us eatin' all alone  
  
you said, "Take the pizza home'  
  
'No sense lettin' all this go to waste'  
  
so then I faced"  
  
"Pizza all day  
  
And every day  
  
This cheese 'round the clock  
  
Is gettin' me blocked  
  
And I sure don't care  
  
For irregularity"  
  
He debated hanging up. Saber tooth was quite off key, and it sounded more like purring than singing anyway. Ah, but then an idea struck Logan! He set down the phone a moment, and ran off as quick as he could. It took him a while to get something, but Victor waited. He'd been trying to reach Logan  
for days, he wasn't giving up until he got to sing his lil' song! Logan  
raced back, carrying a tape recorder. "Alright, Bub. Continue."  
"Thank You." Saber tooth said, trying to remember where he'd left off.  
  
"Tell me  
  
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?  
  
'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated"  
  
At this point, Logan was just grossed out. "Uh, Victor. Why the hell are  
you tellin' me this?! I really didn't need to know about your bowel problems, okay? I'm NOT a doctor. Tell Jean or somethin' but NOT ME!" Saber tooth cleared his throat. "I'm not finished quite yet, but almost alright?  
Let me finish and I'll shut up." Wolverine sighed, and continued taping  
this.  
  
"In the bathroom ... I sit and I wait and I strain  
  
And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain  
  
Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated?  
  
No, no no."  
  
"There, I'm done Logan. Hello? Hello! Dammit!" He sighed, realizing he was  
now talking to a dial tone. At least he'd gotten his message across.  
Reaching in a drawer, Saber tooth pulled out the Ex-Lax. He smiled  
contently at the box. 


	3. Part Two

Author's Note: Blah, Sorry this is late, but I got the flu and it's hard to write when you can only keep water down. Besides, Chris thought I'd throw  
up on the computer. Here's part two, Warren and Paige!  
  
Warren sighed, looking around his new apartment. It was quite large, no doubt, he had just wanted to move away so he could have some alone time and be nearby. Paige was coming over soon because he'd been a bit depressed and lonely at the new place. Actually it was an act to GET Paige to come over  
and it worked pretty easily.  
  
"I was feelin' pretty down  
  
'Till my girlfriend came around  
  
We're just so alike in every way  
  
I gotta say"  
  
He heard the doorbell ring, and ran off to get it. Paige stood there in a brand new yellow dress, smiling at him. "Heya Warren!" He smiled back, but not as wide as she had. "Hello Paige." Warren led her to the couch and they sat, talking for a moment about how their relationship had been and how far  
she thought it might go.  
  
"In fact, I just thought I might  
  
Pop the question there that night  
  
I was kissing her so tenderly  
  
But woe is me"  
  
As they started making out, Warren saw something on her thigh and shifted her pant waist a bit to see what it was. He gasped and backed away. "N-No!  
That can't happen!" Paige tilted her head lightly. "What is it, Warren? What's wrong?" He wanted to tell her, but he didn't know what to make of this all yet. He needed a sign to tell him what he should do! The wedding  
ring box fell out of his pocket then.  
  
"Who would have guessed  
  
Her family crest  
  
I'd suddenly spy  
  
Tattooed on her thigh  
  
and son-of-a-gun  
  
it's just like the one on me"  
  
Staring at the box, he thought it over and over, as Paige thought he was going insane. Taking a deep breath, he continued to think. She got offended and went to get her jacket. "Wait! Paige! Don't go, not now anyway. I might have something to ask you" She raised an eyebrow. "Might, Warren? Sometimes  
might just isn't good enough."  
  
"Tell me  
  
how was I supposed to know we were both related?  
  
Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated  
  
what to do now? Should I go ahead and propose  
  
and get hitched and have kids with eleven toes  
  
and move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?  
  
No no no no no no no  
  
No no no no no no no  
  
No no no no no"  
  
Warren reached for the box and thrust it into her hands. "Will you marry  
me?" Startled, Paige just stared at him for a moment. "Oh, Warren! Of course I won't! HA! This is a set-up, loser! I knew we were related! I just  
really hated you!" She danced around, making up a song about how much a  
loser he was to really believe she liked him.  
  
Author's Note: Okay, they're not really family; I just really hate Warren,  
that's all. Stupid rich bastard won't loan me any money! 


	4. Part Three

Disclaimer: I still own absolutely nothing. I decided to write this while I was on meds once again. I have a cold now, and alternate between Dayquil  
and Nyquil. This is the LAST part of "A Complicated Song", I promise!  
  
Jean sighed, pushing a cart forward and into the light. The cart had on it...well, Scott's head. She then placed a microphone in front of him and at a height that he could speak into it. Scott frowned and did his best to nod at her. "Thanks. You can go now." She smiled at him, turned on her heels  
and walked off. "Well people, I have a story to tell and it won't be so  
pretty. It all started on a trip to the carnival."  
  
I had so much on my mind  
  
I thought maybe I'd unwind  
  
Try out that new roller coaster ride  
  
And the guide  
  
Said not to stand  
  
But that's a demand  
  
That I couldn't meet  
  
I got on my feet  
  
And stood up instead  
  
And knocked off my head, you see  
  
Part way through the song, his head started to wobble off the cart. Scott was just a head at the moment and in no position to regain his balance. He gave a sigh of relief when his head almost fell, but didn't. Scott didn't  
want to remember his pain and humiliation at being decapitated, but his story had to be told. He didn't want people making the same mistake in the  
future. A machine was keeping him alive at the moment, attached to the bottom of the cart. This would only be until they could reattach his head  
to his body.  
  
Tell me  
  
Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?  
  
This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it  
  
such a drag, now ... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore  
  
I can't train or blast you anymore  
  
can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated  
  
At this point, his head DID fall off in front of the cart. He groaned in defeat and tried to continue his song, but he couldn't be heard clearly. It  
got easier when the microphone fell on him, though. Scott let out a few  
choice words that got him a glare from Jean backstage.  
  
Oh no  
  
Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (yeah, yeah)  
  
I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated  
  
What a bummer  
  
Can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeze  
  
But my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now  
  
Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated  
  
No, no, no  
  
Jean strode on stage and bent to pick up his head. Some guy in the audience whistled and she tossed him around with her TK. Scott laughed at them as  
Jean kissed him and carried him off stage.  
  
Author's Note: Hehe, doncha love me when I'm heavily medicated? I had to do this because...Scott just gets on my nerves. Sorry it took me so long to update, I was kinda busy. Next chapter: Bobby and Jean-Paul! 


End file.
